Call Off The Search

February 13, 2018
Reading time: 3 minutes
Love, Self-Worth


“How do I find my soulmate?”

This is a question that, over the years, I have been most frequently asked. Kabbalah has so much to say on this topic, but it doesn’t exactly align with the plot of any romantic comedy or sweeping drama. When I give my answer, the reaction is almost always one of confusion, perhaps even disappointment. I assure them that it is the only path to real romance and certainly to the soulmate connection that they seek. Tomorrow marks the holiday of Valentine’s Day — the holiday that inspires this question for so many. (Fun fact: ABC News revealed that Americans spent $18.2 billion on cards, candy, and flowers on Valentine’s Day 2017. That’s $136.57 a person!) Before you grab for your wallet, let me share my answer with you.

The answer to how to find your soulmate is: stop searching.

I can almost hear the record scratch but trust me. There is a quote — one of my favorites — from the ever-magical Sufi mystic and poet Rumi that beautifully illuminates this wisdom.

“The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

Close your eyes right now, take a deep breath, and feel your heart. You can even place your hand on your chest. A soulmate connection is finding the other half of your essence in another, the coming together of two halves to make a whole. The soul within you is the soul within them. There is no need to search outside of yourself; the work to “find” your soulmate happens on the inside.

This is why I encourage people who are looking for their soulmate to focus on being the right person instead of finding the right person. The work that we put into becoming our most authentic self, to growing and transforming, is the work that earns us our true love connection.

Kabbalah’s teachings on soulmates are explored at length in the Zohar, also known as “The Book of Splendor,” and this principle is outlined very clearly. It is through your spiritual journey, through your dedication to your own evolution, that you can earn the merit of your soulmate’s presence. Finding your soulmate has nothing to do with your physical appearance, your income, what job you have, or how often you date. It has everything to do with how much importance you place, and time you spend, on your growth.

When I first married my husband, Michael, we didn’t have much in common at face value and, like most people, we intuitively assumed that “being in love” was a way to fulfill our desires and needs – a way to receive what we needed and wanted. But the fact is, this understanding is completely backward in terms of creating a loving relationship with another person. We may say, for example, that we love eating pizza or that we love going to baseball games. But “love” in this context is just a word that describes the pleasurable sensations we feel in those activities. This “love” in no way impacts the pizza or the ballplayers. It’s comprised entirely of our own responses – the feelings we take from the world without any giving on our part. What makes a soulmate relationship different is that the love you feel comes from your ability to give completely.

It is said by the kabbalists that the minute we seek a soulmate for the sake of advancing more than ourselves, and when we desire to share abundance with the world and not just attain it for ourselves, that is when we find everlasting unconditional love and happiness. For Michael and me, our love has grown to encompass so much more than just ourselves. Our dedication to helping others in the world is part of what makes our connection all the more real. And our connection is what allows us to give all the more.

The first step to take on the path to meeting your soulmate is the critical step of self-love, a step most people miss. This week, look to your heart and ask if you are loving it well. Are you dedicating yourself to being the best you? If you are in a relationship, are you dedicated to becoming the best partner you can be? Everything we seek is within us. By taking a real, honest look, you might be surprised to find that the love you have been searching for was with you all along.



Celebrate the love within you no matter who you are with or where you are.

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  1. Thank you. Important guidance.

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