Hey Babe, read my mind will you?

Very often people come to me and they find themselves in a rut. I say, “Okay, when you’re in a mood, after being fine all day, and then suddenly, wham! You’re really not okay, and you don’t know where it came from, go back 10 minutes before that mood started and see if there’s a trigger.” If they can’t discover what that was, I ask them to go back 20 minutes and if they still can’t think of it, then I advise them to go back two hours. Eventually you’ll know.

Someone I know has been longing to be in a fulfilling relationship for as long as I can remember. The problem is he feels very insecure. One evening, he went to this bar, which he never does, and he felt like people were flirting with him. Understandably, it made him feel good about himself. During the course of the night he went to the bathroom, washed his hands, and looked in the mirror. When he came out of the restroom he suddenly thought that nobody could possibly be interested in him. He became sad, introverted and left the bar shortly thereafter. Just like that. He did not understand what had happened.

I said to him during our conversation that when he went to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror, he had all these thoughts about himself (his movie played out in his head), and he second-guessed himself by asking, “Who would be interested in me?” He wasn’t aware of this thought, but when he came out with the subconscious thoughts, making him feel overweight and unattractive, he suddenly felt not good enough. Except that nothing happens suddenly. It has a very definite starting point. The trick is to find where that point is.

Very often we have a sudden unexplained feeling, but we don’t know where it comes from or why. One minute we’re feeling on top of the world, and then in the next moment we’re on the bottom of the bottom. “Suddenly”, we feel not good enough and the INSECURITIES get the better of us. In order to curb this from happening, it’s important to go back and see where that thought came from in YOU. The answer will not be apparent to your partner, and sadly, they won’t have the first clue about the cause because they’re not in your head. You are.

To look at the relationships around us and say, “HOW come they don’t know what I’m thinking? THEY should know. They live with me. They’ve lived with me for 20 years. How come they don’t know what’s on my mind?” The answer to that one is quite simple: very often we don’t even know why we do or feel certain things, or what triggered it (and we have lived with ourselves a LOT longer than our partner has!) It’s not fair or wise to put that burden on our partner.

How often have you caught yourself saying, “Life is NEVER like they show it in the movies.”? Hollywood endings tied up neatly with a ribbon, sealed with a kiss, a dazzling sunset, a score that makes you weep with joy… and yet you still find yourself hoping and wishing for exactly this. But what if our lives are little movies, with a stellar cast of goodies and baddies, one or two not-so-fitting love interests, then finally “the one”, the coming-of-age story with a little laugh or two?

Every story is fueled by a different energy, a genre – some are dramas, comedies, thrillers… some are even horror films. I know I’ve had my share of these. Everybody has an energy that fuels his or her movie. Now, when you know the energy that fuels yours, you can help your partner with some very vital plot lines, and vice versa.

The movie in your head will make you behave in certain ways, especially if you are not aware of the plot points. It is crucial to the health of your relationship that you are emotionally intelligent in your own movie; with your own issues, beliefs, and fears. And then, if you choose to spend the rest of your life with somebody— now some don’t, but most of us do— if we chose that, it’s in our best interests to make sure that they know our plot points, and that we’re just as familiar with theirs. It’s impossible to expect anyone to know us, if you don’t know ourselves.

Communication is key for every healthy relationship to thrive. As Socrates said, “Know thyself”. And as I say, know thyself and then know thy partner.

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