Part 2: Green isn’t a good color on you

In writing about jealousy last week, I didn’t think it was enough to just iterate the dangers without offering a solution, or a way to change this toxic behavior.

Jealousy is an emotion that everyone possesses to different degrees. As I mentioned last week, we all have wants and desires. Perhaps we linger in the past, and focus on what we didn’t get to experience that “others” did; the holiday that we deserve, the surprise 30^th that should have been… we feel the disappointments grow.  We start daydreaming that hopefully tomorrow will be better, but if we are honest with ourselves, all the daydreaming and dwelling on what “should have been”, only replaces thought for action.  What are we doing now to get what we want?

What exactly IS jealousy?

Is it the resentment one feels toward someone else’s success or advantage?

Is it the fear of losing something you feel is yours (rightly or wrongly) to someone else?

Ralph Hupka, Professor of Psychology at California State University, defines jealousy as “an anticipatory emotion. It seeks to prevent loss.”

It’s our worry of losing something that sparks thoughts like, “Maybe he’ll fall in love with his bubbly receptionist and leave me”… “She’s going to lunch with her ex-boyfriend, obviously she’s still attracted to him”… “He’ll come home and tell me he wants a divorce”… “Obviously she’ll get the promotion! She is such a sycophant.” These aren’t facts, they’re stories. What stories do you tell yourself?  We will always find people or situations to support whatever movie we have created in our heads. Do you believe that you are unlovable and soon your partner will find you out?  What is at the core of your jealous feelings?

No one wants a jealous partner, sibling, colleague or friend, and nobody enjoys feeling jealous or living out his or her jealousy with bizarre and hurtful behavior.  Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than jealousy.  The ever-pressing question is; how can we overcome jealousy and what is REALLY behind it? I encourage you to really get to what’s at the heart of this emotion, because the reality is the person who suffers the most is the one who is jealous. Carrie Fischer (also known as Princess Leia – for all you Star Wars fans) has a very powerful quote, she says “Jealousy or resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” May sound dramatic, but I want to reiterate just how damaging jealousy is.

And now… SOME SOLUTIONS – it’s not all doom and gloom.

Solution 1: COMMUNICATION.  Be emotionally intelligent with yourself first, then those that are important to you, because no one can read your mind.  If you are feeling jealous, be open with yourself about the thought behind the emotion, and how much of your life it is consuming. Certainly that time can be better spent actually creating the life you so desire.

Someone once asked me how I have time to juggle so many different things in my life, and it got me thinking. I realized that all the space in my mind that was occupied with what I thought people were thinking of me, or the need for approval is no longer there. I had so much more time to focus on what really matters, and to spend on manifesting my goals.

Ask yourself in earnest, do you have cause to think your partner is cheating? Or have you been cheated on before and are afraid of getting hurt?  Very often we are unaware of what is going on subconsciously.  It is up to you to find the root of your insecurity and then address it.   Don’t hide what it is – it doesn’t have to be a deep secret that you carry.

Solution 2: TRUST.  Jealousy comes out of a lack of trust; lack of trust in the process of life, in your partner, in yourself.  Lack of trust breeds insecurity, which creates jealousy; we stifle these feelings because they are uncomfortable.  It’s a vicious circle, and as long as our thoughts and energy are clearly focused on what we could lose, that is exactly what will happen, and this is the cold hard truth about jealousy; it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Solution 3: TAKE ACTION.  It is paramount that we prevent ourselves from fixating on what we don’t have.  Rather, we need to shift our perspective to the fact that our desires can and are revealing themselves through our daily actions.  The big question is, “How are we spending our days?” That answer may be a hard truth.  What we desire should be a source of inspiration, which provides us with the power, motivation and ability to work toward and manifest (no matter how big or small). Rather than focusing on what your neighbor has, work on beautifying and improving your own home.

Instead of being afflicted with envy, we should use this powerful energy of envy to help us work towards what will actually bring us more of what we desire and less of what we feel we lack.  Any emotion, be it fear, sadness, or jealousy, does not have power over us unless we give it our permission.

Some of us take our emotions very, very seriously and in doing so we lack perspective.  Emotions are simply something we experience, but we do not have to become them.  See the jealousy you feel as a signal that something in you warrants your awareness, bring it to your consciousness and use it to bring about positive change; be it in your relationships with yourself or those you hold dearest to you. I cannot stress this enough. If you don’t use your emotions as a signal for change, they will eventually consume you. Whether  anger, sadness or jealousy, it will become the overriding aspect of who you become.

The more we believe we deserve great things, the more difficult it will be for doubt and insecurity to create jealousy within you.  Focus kindness on yourself, give people the benefit of the doubt, practice trust and certainty, and let go of the expectations you place on the people in your life and you will find a happier more balanced you.  And if the Green-eyed monster shows his face, remember that jealousy can be an extraordinarily powerful tool if we use it to propel ourselves to get what we most desire, because “whatever is ours cannot be touched by another. If we are jealous of what somebody else has we can never receive or enjoy what is truly ours.” ~ Michael Berg

THOUGHT INTO ACTION:

Put your thoughts into action this week, and pay close attention to what jealous feelings come up for you. Remind yourself that it’s NOT REAL; you are telling yourself a story. See what you can take from these emotions, and recognize how they are signaling you to change your life to get more of what you want.

If there is someone you feel jealous of, I ask that you approach that person (recognize what it is that you find beautiful in them) and only tell them what it is that you admire in them.

The only way to overcome jealousy is to counteract it with love.

Share your experience in the comment section.